Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Have I already lost it?

I'm tired. I'm tired of my life. I love staying home but right now I have to ask myself if it is worth it. I'm tired of getting three kids ready in the morning and then they still forget to take things to school. Fighting with them about what they are going to wear. I'm tired of asking them to pick things up and days go by and they don't do it. I'm tired of cleaning the same things over and over again every day. However, I know if I got a job I have to pay for after school care and possibly before school care because I dont trust the kids to walk to school and get there on time. But then I have to get three kids ready and myself and get them to where they need to go and still deal with everything in the house. I almost think that would stress me out more. But at the same time being away from it all and not dealing with it sounds nice too.

Maybe it's cuz I'm not feeling well and looking at my house as nasty as it is, is making me frustrated. But I don't have the energy to get things done. I feel like I get no appreciation for anything at all. I feel like I am a robot doing what everyone else needs for me to do. Why can't I find myself and get out of this hole? I'm drowning here.

At times it feels like nothing at all is going the way I plan. Is it that I am just that miserable here that I don't even want to try? I want to know what it is that I am doing wrong. I have to take care of so many people that it is hard to remember to take care of me. But then when I do I feel selfish for doing so. Everyone needs a piece of me. And I am running out of pieces.