Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Pour Your Heart Out

Do you ever just wake up one morning and take a look at your life?

I just am not the same person I was a few years ago. I am trying to figure out what happend. It isn't as easy to do as one might think.

A few years ago I was so happy. I was happy with lots of things about my life. I got along better with my husband and I was more involved with the kids. I was much more outgoing. I had some wonderful friends. So what happend to all of that? Where did it all go?

I lost custody of my two boys a few years ago by moving out of state with my husband trying to make a better life for ourselves. Then I put ALL of my efforts into getting them back. And once a parent has custody it isn't easy trying to get them back. The kids were mentally and phyisically abused and yet court advicates just thought you were making things up and wouldn't listen. My life was torn in half. My husband then had to take a job out of state while I moved back to the state my boys were in so I could get them back while raising our daughter.

Because my life was under a microscope I completely changed who I was. If I started working then I wasn't available to take care of them. If I said or did the wrong thing it was used against me. I didn't pose in pictures anymore because I would be at fault for something. I didn't go out with friends because then I looked like a party goer. I never had a drink because I looked like an alcoholic. It already looked bad that I didn't live with my husband. But he had to work where he could and that meant out of state. He came home every weekend though. But I didn't have his shoulder there to lean on during the emotions I was going thru.

I changed who I was. I was fun loving. I was energetic. I was social.

Well, now I do have my kids back. And I do live with my husband. And now we live, again, in yet another state but together. My husband got to adopt my two boys. We live as a family once again. So why are things still so different?

I don't interact with the kids like I used to. My husband and I rarely go out on dates or have alone time. We don't have money because it cost so much to live here. I can't find a part time job that allows me to get the kids everywhere they need to be. I am always uptight and yell at everything. Am I angry? What am I angry at?

I can't seem to figure it out. Why can't I be the same person that I used to be? Why can't I find her again? It's not easy being poor but we do have great parents that help us out.

I realize things will never be the same. People change. I can't say that I am unhappy because I am not. I have so much to be thankful for. But where is that fun person that I used to be?